Farewell Fair Friend

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The party was awful. The air reeked of cigarette smoke. The place was dim and the haze was so thick that I couldn’t see far beyond the people in front of me. The music was so loud I had to yell into somebody’s ear to make myself heard. A drunk woman, well into middle age, danced awkwardly on the subwoofer. She flashed her tits, which were unpleasantly saggy, and cackled like a meth whore. A guy in the corner lit up a glass pipe and started smoking crack. There was a fist fight, and I decided, then, that I was too old for this kind of bullshit and that it was time to leave. Matt was my ride home. He was gyrating with a petit blond and seemed to be having the time of his life. I decided to walk, all five miles. It was still pretty early when I arrived home. I took a shower, threw my clothes in the washer, and turned out the lights.

I woke up early. My legs ached a bit. I brushed my teeth and turned on the radio. After breakfast there was a knock on the door, one long rap, two short staccato taps, and a final long rap, Heidi. Her unannounced visits were becoming less frequent now that we were broken up, but I was happy to see her. She was sweaty. I held the door so she could wheel her expensive carbon fiber racing bicycle inside. Heidi took off her helmet and placed it on the kitchen counter. She wore spandex. I hadn’t seen her in a while. Her ass was tighter, her thighs thinner, her stomach flatter. I heard she had joined an organized racing club with scheduled practices and team jerseys.

She sniffed the air. “Smells good, what did you make me?”

“Bacon and eggs,” I replied. “I’m afraid, I ate it all, but I can cook some more.”

“That’s okay, I’ll just eat a protein bar. Can you get me glass of water, though?”

“Sure.”

I handed over a tall glass, and she pecked me on the cheek. She gulped it down and asked for another.

“What did you do last night?” She asked.

“Nothing really. I went to a party. It was lame, so I left early. You?”

“Hot date. Finance guy. Drives a Mercedes and wears a Rolex. Really good looking. Six pack abs and a really big cock. Nice and thick!”

I pretended not to hear her, and threw the wrapper of her protein bar into the trash.

“You’re jealous aren’t you?”

I frowned.

“You are jealous!”

“Maybe I’m jealous of his big cock.”

“Yeah, damn right you are.” Heidi replied. “I always liked your abs. Your cock’s okay, I guess, once it gets hard.”

Heidi munched on her protein bar for a while. “What about the other stuff?”

“What other stuff?”

“The Mercedes, the Rolex, the date with me?”

“You know I’m happy with my beat up Corolla and my scratched Timex.”

“How about the date with me?”

“Nope, we’re broken up,” I lied.

Heidi’s lips thinned, and her eyes squinted ever so slightly, her suspicious look. We were silent for a while as she finished scarfing down her protein bar. Heidi sniffed her armpit. “Man, I stink,” she said, “I’m supposed to meet Ariel at the farmers’ market. Is it okay if I take a shower?”

“Sure, but what’s the point if you have to get back into your skanky workout clothes?”

“It’s nice out. I was hoping to borrow some shorts and a T-shirt.”

“What about a bra?”

“I’ll just let my boobs dangle. That sort of thing’s considered okay at the farmer’s market. A lot of naturalist types hang out there. You know, women with hairy armpits.”

“Doesn’t that hurt.”

“Not unless you walk too fast or run.”

“Were you going to free ball it? Or free labia it? Or whatever the term would be?”

“Nope, I was going to borrow a set of your briefs. It’s not like you stretch them out much in the front.”

“Yeah okay, you’re welcome to some of my old tighty whities, the ones with the moth holes in the butt.”

“Oh please tell me you haven’t gone back to tighty whities!” Heidi scolded. “I thought I broke you of the habit.”

“You did. I was just kidding. I keep the towels—”

“I know where you keep your towels,” Heidi said, assertively.

She emptied the pockets at the back of her jersey, placing two folded twenties, a multi-tool, another protein bar, a tampon, and a condom on my breakfast table. If Heidi was anything, she was always prepared. “You know what? I’m still hungry. Why don’t you make me some breakfast afterall?”

“Just get a pastry at the farmer’s market.”

“And pack on the weight I worked so hard to lose? I don’t think so. Besides, they’re really expensive.”

“Why don’t you meet Johnny Big Dick Money Bags there and have him buy you one.”

“You are jealous aren’t you?” Heidi said, quite self-satisfied.

“No!”

Heidi smirked, and headed towards the bathroom. Over her shoulder she said, “just eggs and multi-grain toast. No OJ or bacon. Oh! And his name is Steven, by the way.”

“His name is Steven, by the way,” I said in a mocking tone, but quietly so Heidi couldn’t hear.

Heidi left the bathroom door partly ajar as she undressed. I caught a glimpse of her biker’s tan and illegal bahis pale ass off the reflection of my shiny espresso machine. I couldn’t make out much pussy hair as she stepped into the bath and pulled back the curtain. I wished I no longer found her attractive. It was painful to see her exposed flesh, even if it was just a glimpse.

Heidi never ran the fan when she showered. It was an annoying habit. She steamed up the mirrors and set me up for mildew. I’d have to get on my hands and knees scrub hard between the tiles. Part of me resented the fact that I was making her breakfast and lending her my clothes while Johnny Money Bags, or Steven, or whatever his name was, got to stick his thick cock in her. Regardless, I cooked her eggs just the way she liked them, scrambled, slightly runny, with a sprinkle of salt and pepper. I figured that, having eaten the power bar and being weight conscious now, she’d only want two eggs instead of her usual three and that she’d only want one piece of toast. I put out the butter and jam so she could spread it herself. I poured her another tall glass of water. I even made her a latte even though she didn’t ask for one.

She came out of my room wearing an over large green t-shirt. Unrestrained, her tits swayed when she walked to the breakfast table, they hung lower than I remembered. Her hair was still a little wet. She dabbed at it with my towel. She wore a set of designer briefs that she had bought me about a year ago. They were light blue, and the trim on the waistband and that pocket flap thingy up front was red. They fit her surprisingly well. Her muscular ass stretched out the back, so the front didn’t wrinkle.

“Wow, this underwear I got you is super comfortable!” She said.

“I know they are.” I said. “I’ll be wanting them back when you’re done, if you please.”

“She probed her finger into the flap up front. So this is where you take your dick out when you pee?”

“I suppose,” I said. I never used the flap myself. My friends who claimed to have large dicks said they used the flap all the time.

“It’s kind of useful. I could totally use it to flick the bean.”

I wrinkled my nose, pretending to be disgusted. Heidi tossed the wet towel onto the floor for me to pick up later. She gobbled down the food.

“This is so good.” She said, but her words were muffled because she was talking with her mouthful. She knew she had awful table manners, but she just didn’t care. Heidi always did as she pleased.

She took a swig of the latte. “Mmm, real good. Man, I miss coming here for breakfast.”

I missed having her even though I didn’t want to admit it. I poured myself an espresso.

“Hey, is it true you had sex with Ariel?” Heidi asked.

The question caught me completely by surprised. Heidi could certainly be direct and to the point when she wanted to. I stammered for a while, not knowing quite what to say. After a moment I regained my composure and said, “why are you asking?”

“Dunno,” she said looking down at her toast to avoid eye contact. “Just curious.”

“Seeing as you and Ariel are pretty much best friends, I think you already know the answer to that question.”

“It’s hard to believe,” she said, “I thought you guys hated each another. You’re always fighting.”

“We’re actually good friends, and we don’t fight, we bicker.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Fighting is a serious argument people have when they are mad. Bickering is a petty argument people have when they are comfortable enough with one another to express disagreement.”

“I guess that sort of makes sense.” Heidi said. “How did it happen?”

“We’ve always been friends.”

“No, how did you two end up fucking?”

“Why do you even want to know?”

“Not sure. Just curious I guess.”

“Didn’t Ariel tell you?”

“Yes, but I want to hear it from you.”

I had no idea why Heidi was asking me about this, but I decided if she really wanted to know, I should tell her. “Okay,” I said, “Ariel borrowed this famous Italian movie from the library and told me I needed to come over and watch it.”

“Was it the Bicycle Thief?”

“Yeah, I think it was.”

“She’s always going on about the Bicycle Thief. Says it’s like the best movie in the history of movies or something, but go on.”

“So I come over and the DVD is totally scratched. It keeps freezing up, which made it pretty much unwatchable. So we were sitting around wondering what to do. It’s too rainy and cold out to throw a Frisbee in the park or to go for a walk. Ariel is totally broke, so she doesn’t want to go get coffee or a beer, even when I offered to pay.”

“Yeah, she’s proud like that.”

“So completely out of the blue, she says ‘why don’t we have sex.’ I’m totally surprised, so I’m stammering and can’t think of a response. She said it was a bona fide offer and that she wasn’t making a joke. Said she always catches me checking out her ass when I think she’s not looking and that the attraction was mutual. I said her best friend is my ex, and she illegal bahis siteleri replied that it’s been like nearly a year and that you had moved on—”

“Yeah, I know all this. Fast forward to the point when you’re naked.”

“Well, we’re kissing, and I’m feeling up her tits.”

Heidi snorted, “I guess you can call them tits.”

“Actually she has these really perky nipples that get really puffy and swollen when they get hard.”

“Yeah, I know, I’ve seen them.”

“Really?”

“We were at a hot tub party together once.” Heidi said, dismissively. I was hoping for a juicer explanation, like they took molly and had a lesbian hook up.

“Well anyway, she’s lying on her back. Her legs are spread. I can barely make out her pussy lips beneath her massively hairy bush.”

“Tell me about it,” Heidi said, “it’s like a tropical rain forest.”

“How did—”

“Hot tub.”

“Oh, yeah. So anyway, I’m still wearing my briefs, a pair that came in the same packet as the ones you are wearing, only a different color. I figured she wanted oral. So I’m down low, and I patting her bush up so I can find her clit.”

“You were always good at finding the clit.”

“Well, you know I had to study anatomy.”

“Yeah, in nursing school.” Heidi said mockingly.

I ignored the slight and continued. “So before I could put the tip of my tongue to her pussy, she pushes me up and says, ‘no, just fuck me.'”

Heidi interjected, “some girls just don’t like getting oral. Strange group, but they are far fewer than guys who refuse to dish it out. A bit of an unfair balance if you ask me.”

“I like giving oral.”

“Well with a cock like yours, you kind of have to put in the effort, don’t you?”

Heidi loved to dish out the small penis humiliation, which, now that we were broken up, was completely inappropriate, but Heidi always played by her own rules and did and said whatever she wanted. Previously, I had loved her for it. I suspect that, deep down, I was some sort of masochist.

“Get to the point where you take your briefs off.”

“Okay, so I’m fucking her.”

“No, back up a bit. Tell me what she said when she saw your cock.”

“No!”

“Come one. I already know what happened. Just tell me! I want to hear your point of view.”

“Fine. So I take off my briefs, and I guess I’m a bit put off that she refused my offer for oral. And it’s cold in her apartment because she’s broke and doesn’t want to pay a heavy heating bill. So my limp cock is like super small. I swear I hadn’t seen that small since like junior high.”

“Yeah, she said it was like a baby carrot.”

“Yes, thank you for that. But anyway when she saw it, she said—”

“How did you end up with a cock like that!” Heidi said, snickering.

“Yeah, I guess she told you already.”

“Well actually she wasn’t trying to put you down. What she told me was that when she saw your tiny cock it caught her completely by surprise. It made her feel completely awkward and embarrassed. She hasn’t seen one that small before and didn’t know how to react. She was trying to think of something to say that could cut through the tension. But she never could think fast on her feet, and instead she blurted out the first thing that popped into her mind. She admitted it was the worst thing possible to say and felt terrible the instant the words left her mouth. But go on though,” she said, “I want to hear your point of view.”

“Well, I decided there was no point in trying to pretend it was big, so I answered her question. I said ‘well, when they were handing out cocks, I was so eager to get one that I cut to the front of the line. As punishment, they made me stand at the back. When it was finally my turn, this was the only one they had left. No one else had wanted it.”

“And what did she do?”

“She seemed to like my joke.”

“Oh, she thought it was hilarious. Told me she laughed so hard she snorted and even pissed herself a bit.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, just a few drops. It was totally the right thing for you to say. Said it put here at ease so she could get horny again. But go on, what happened next.”

“She said she wanted to touch it. She started with a hand job, first with just her thumb and finger, and then she took me into her mouth. I got hard quick, and when she took it out of her mouth to give it a stroke she said, ‘wow, it’s like normal sized now!'”

“Yeah, she said you have a ‘super grower.’ She took a lot of pride in making it expand like five times over, but I told her that it wasn’t that hard to do, that you just need to touch your little dick with the end of your finger to get it agitated.”

“Good to know, I guess.”

“It’s not a bad thing,” Heidi said, “much better than having to suck a guy off for ten minutes only to have his cock limp again in the five seconds it takes him to move it down to your pussy.”

“I wouldn’t know about that.”

“Just continue already.”

“She’s on her back, I have my cock in her.”

“Fast canlı bahis siteleri forward to when you came.”

“So I hadn’t had sex in a while, and I was really horny. I was trying to think of anything to distract me from cumming. You know, fire engines, sumo wrestlers, fluffy poodles—”

“Why fire engines?”

“They are not arousing.”

“I suppose not, but go on.”

“None of it worked. We weren’t using a condom, and I didn’t know if she was on the pill or anything, so I pulled out and came all over her. Like I said, I hadn’t had sex in a while, and I hadn’t jerked off recently either, so the load was just huge.”

“Completely covered her tiny tits didn’t you?”

“And her belly.”

“And her sofa.” Heidi added.

“Really?”

“Yes, but we’ll get to that later.”

“Okay, so she looks dazed for a while, like she didn’t know what had just happened, and then she gets pissed. She said, ‘how come you came so quickly?’ And she starts rubbing my cum into her skin, which I thought was weird.”

“She was trying to spread it out so it won’t drip off and stain her couch, which it did anyway. It was like a graduation gift or something, the only piece of furniture in her place that she actually likes.”

I continued, “so she lights up a cigarette. Her hands are trembling, and I’m getting a little weirded out. She walks to the bathroom and slams the door. I wasn’t sure if she was crying or—”

“She was just washing off your cum. She hates the taste and feel of it. Won’t ever let a guy cum in her mouth.”

“I ask her if she’s okay, but she doesn’t answer. I ask again, and still no answer. I decided she’s really pissed and that I better make myself scarce.”

“Oh, she thought you sneaked out without saying anything.” Heidi said, “I guess she couldn’t hear you through the door.”

“No, I wanted to talk things out, but it was so awkward.”

“I believe you,” Heidi said sincerely. “But let me give you her point of view: So what happened was you were doing that thing when you stick your cock in all the way in but instead of moving it back and forth you kind of wiggle it in circles. You know, rubbing her clit with the flesh at the base of your cock. She was totally getting into it. It’s actually a pretty good trick.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

“Don’t let it go to your head just yet. Ariel was like two seconds from cumming, so when you pulled out so suddenly, it left her super frustrated. Also, she was on the pill, and she hates cum anywhere except in her pussy. So when you came all over her she was totally grossed out. The combined emotions were too much for her, so she quickly got upset. It took her a while to calm down in the bathroom. When she came back out, she was going to tell you she was on the pill so you could fuck her again. But you were nowhere to be found, which made her feel completely rejected and hurt.”

“Really? I had no idea. I just figured she was a size queen and that we weren’t sexually compatible. I felt a bit humiliated, so I decided we should just go back to being regular friends.”

Heidi shook her head. “You can be completely clueless sometimes, but I guess it’s only fair. Ariel is pretty clueless too.”

“Now, I’m feeling pretty bad.” I admitted.

“Oh, you continued to make things worse.”

“I did?”

“Tell me what happened last week-end?”

“So Ariel calls me up and asks if she can do her laundry at my place so she doesn’t have to spend any money or hang out with the weirdos at the laundromat. I’m very happy to have her over so that we can put the whole sex fiasco behind us and move on. She comes over and has another video. It was this arty movie she got from the library, only it wasn’t scratched and played all the way through.”

“Knowing Ariel, probably no one else on the planet had any desire to watch it.”

“Actually it wasn’t too bad. It’s about this woman in like Scotland or something. Her husband breaks his neck and becomes a quadriplegic. So he asks her to go out and fuck other men and tell him about it. Then she gets murdered at the end the husband gets better. Very strange.”

“So lots of sex then?”

“Oh yes, lots of sex scenes. I liked that about the movie.”

“And what does Ariel do the whole time?”

“Her laundry.”

“Anything else happen with her?”

“Yes, near the end of the movie, but before the sad part when the woman gets killed, Ariel rushes to the bathroom again. And this time she is crying. I can hear her through the door.”

“What do you do?”

“I ask her if she is okay, and convince her to come back out. I press her on what’s wrong, and she said that she tried to quit this expensive knitting class she was taking but they won’t give her back any of her money.”

“And how did you react to this?”

“I told her that I know from interacting with my patients that financial stressors can provoke a lot of anxiety and depression.”

“And then what?”

“She stops crying. We finish the movie. She gets up to leave, and I give her a big hug at the door.”

Heidi buried her face in her palm. “You are so fucking clueless!”

“I am?”

“Yes. You do realize that Ariel wanted you to want her. She came over under the pretense of laundry for a fuck.”

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